my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
