I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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