Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
