I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
