last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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