Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
