just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
In America we eat man semen.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
