Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
