Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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