i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
