My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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