: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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