new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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