It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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