I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Alive.
So much puke
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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