I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
