I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
