Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Swine flu. Run for my life!
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
