i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
someone get that fucking seahorse.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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