i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
