9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
My day in three words: secret purse cake
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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