hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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