Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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