I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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