after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
