We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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