life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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