I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
