70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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