Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
