We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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