then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
