You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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