so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
