She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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