I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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