I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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