we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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