and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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