Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
