Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I understand Curling. That high.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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