You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
