There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
