i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
