I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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