So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
