I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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