Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
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