I skipped work to stalk him.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize