Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
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