dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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