Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
