Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
